that is what i have been here.  maybe dishonest is a better word.  or just lost.  

the truth is that my heart is still in grief over losing Levi.  there is fear in me that i will never feel truly happy like i did before he died.  there is worry in my heart that i will not love a baby again without thinking of what he could have been.  i am sad and lonely… and in the middle of all of that i have hope that my God is bigger than all of the fears and sorrows i have.  which makes grief hard.  because i don’t know how to feel a month later.  i don’t know what to tell those that want to know how i am.  i am fine… but i am no where near to fine.  

how do you grieve something you never really had in the first place?  

how do you let go of something you only hoped for?  

how do you give yourself “permission to grieve” when you don’t even know what that means?  

the necklace i bought to remember came last week.  it hangs around my neck and only gives me comfort about half the time. i wept last night… i wanted to throw it across the room because it will never be Levi.  i want to hold him, sing to him, get to give birth to him.  and instead, he is in heaven’s arms… not mine.  

and that sucks while being an awesome thing at the same time.  


~ by Erin on 10 March, 2008.

One Response to “not.honest”

  1. Grief is an untame emotion that rarely makes sense. All you can do is keep talking to the Lord, and keep trusting His wisdom. Sometimes He doesn’t give us the answers we think we deserve. I pray He’ll sustain you as you walk through your grieving process.

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