the parenting time evaluation we petitioned for in november has gone through, and it means more paperwork, another meeting with the lawyer, and a face to face with the bella’s biological father.  that’s right.  i have to go head to head in a mediation meeting with someone to whom i have nothing to say.  how do you spell out “leave us the hell alone” kindly and without malice?   

i am not looking forward to it, seeing as the last time we exchanged words, it didn’t go so well. 

that was nine years ago. 

it is not that bella’s biological father is a bad man.  it’s just that it has been so long.  he says he has changed, but i have no proof…  i don’t respect him, i don’t trust him, and sweet bella doesn’t know him at all.  he wants to “get to know” her.  it doesn’t sit right with me that he can waltz back into our lives, prove that he has a job and a clean police record, and potentially get visitation rights.  at least they are investigating him first.  but it means they are investigating me too, and that doesn’t seem fair when i was the one who stuck around and did the right thing all along.

at least it means we can go forward with the adoption.  kind of.  becuse if they grant him parenting time, they won’t terminate his rights. and that would mean amante couldn’t adopt her.  we are pushing for termination, and that will be hard for him.  i am trying to do the compassion thing, but it is hard when he brought it on himself.  all the visitation will do is make life harder for bella (and for us)… but he can’t see that right now.  i am hoping that i can impress that on him at the meeting next week.  if we can make him see that we harbor no ill will, that we just want the very best thing for bella, maybe he will sign off.  

bella doesn’t realize that this is even happening.  amante an i have decided that she doesn’t need the pain and worry of the unknown, which is still where we stand.  we don’t have anything conclusive to tell her.  no need stressing her too.

i do wonder what he is thinking… is he feeling guilty?  is he being pushed by some outside force like his mom?  is he really thinking that he is acting in her best interests?  i just don’t know. 


~ by Erin on 23 January, 2007.

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